funny quotation

“Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.” – John Lehman

funny quotation

“Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.” – Unknown

from the stand-up comedians #2

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help”.

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

-Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber”.

- Steven Alan Green at C34

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.

- Milton Jones at the Underbelly

funny quotation

“Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.” – Faith Whittlesey

from the stand-up comedians #1

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child… well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: “What’s my favourite flower?” And you murmur to yourself: “Shit, I wasn’t listening … was it self-raising?”

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

Funny quotation

“It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backward.” – Lewis Carroll