What’s your favourite?

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working  diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it”’’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

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Customer: Waiter! Waiter! This egg’s bad.

Waiter: Don’t blame me.
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I only lay the tables.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
– Billy Connoly

I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.   Charles Swartz

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.” – Rita Rudner

Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with “Property of Central High School” emblazoned on them.

When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint “Stolen from Central High School.”

But the jerseys still kept disappearing.

The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to “Central High School 4th String.”

– Hal Olsen

A couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the boy would prefer to live with.

“Well, Johnny” says the Judge, “Would you like to live with your Mother?”

“No” replied Johnny, “she hits me all the time”

“Well then,” the Judge continues, “Would you like to live your your Father?”

“No” replied Johnny again, “He hits me all the time too!”

The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy “Well Johnny, who would you like to live with?”

“I’d like to live with Watford Football Club” the boy replied quickly.

“Why on earth would you want to live with the Watford Football Club?” replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.

“Well” replied Johnny, “They never beat anyone”